The Sound of Anticipation

When I was little, I used to hide in my basement and record songs into a TalkBoy. (got it for Christmas when I was about 6 years old. It was badass. Thanks, Grandma.) It was kind of my thing. I guess I’ve always been interested in music, emotion, and all the intricate little details that can make someone feel, remember, or just smile. Hot Tip: Smiles get me everytime. So anyways, the TalkBoy thing… I was big on writing songs that nobody would ever hear. (Not even my family who would sometimes catch me laying down a killer beat with a gorgeous hook that would have N’Synch N’Envy… don’t worry, you read it right) I guess at the time, music seemed too hard, too strange, like a foreign language for me to really want to dive into it and understand. No, I’d probably just be a fireman, a policeman, or some other boring job… maybe a UPS man. I got over that fear, I picked up a guitar, and it clicked. That’s all I can say. I have no secret, no magic jelly bean that made it click for me. It just happened. When I write, it’s not a question of ‘is this good? is this bad?’ but it’s more along the lines of me trying to make someone feel something. Anything. That’s always been my goal. I can only see this world through my eyes, my body, my soul. I can only try and pass on what makes me feel; what moves me, and hopefully at least one person, out there somewhere will get it. If that’s the case, I can die a happy man.

So, let me fill you in on this band. I’ll refer to it as a “project” from here on out, because that’s the cool way of saying it, and heaven forbid I don’t live up to my title as Mr. Badass. We’ve been working at this thing for almost two years. Things are finally going where they need to. We’ve finally got someone with talent up front, and we’re writing material that people are responding to. So now we’re going through all the motions: buying a bus, spending a few grand on a nice EP with a real producer with real talent. It’s surreal, but it’s a blast. In all honesty, I don’t really enjoy talking about the project much unless it’s with close friends. I’m more than happy to share and talk with them. They don’t really want anything except for who I am as a person. That’s a pretty good feeling. On the flip side, I notice that the more attention this project gets, mysteriously, the more friends I suddenly have. That’s not to say I don’t value people or their support or that I even have a negative outlook about it all. Some of them have good intentions, some of them genuinely liked, or even loved me (you know, “like” liked , but we never got around to spending more time together. And I regret that. But on the other side of that same coin, some just like to say they know you, as if college is a popularity contest or that they get bonus points in the game of life for knowing me. Well screw you, buddy. Truth is, I’ve never really given a damn until now. I love those who I’m close with, and I’m more than accepting of real people. They’re out there, and I’m fortunate enough to be able to keep them close. So to everyone that’s even been a real friend. Thanks. I know I don’t say it much.

As far as what’s going on, it’s one of those things where, you say you’re going to do something… you know, you throw it out there and it becomes your standard line. You say it over and over again, like that fatty who, whenever New Years rolls around always claims they’re going to lose that 50 pounds and ‘next year will be different.’ In the long run, it never happens. You lose the drive or the desire for one reason or another and priorities change.

Problem is, I’m making good on my word. That scares the hell out of me. I’m not afraid of much to be honest, I’m a fun, confident, outgoing guy. But when a situation like this comes up, it’s the one thing that can truly scare me. I know that I’m in some sort of control but I don’t really know how to use it. All I know is that I’ve pushed myself this far, but does that mean it’ll be my fault if things don’t work out? If something goes off course? Because I’m worried this record won’t be enough. No matter what we get down, I won’t be completely satisfied. I won’t leave Chicago knowing that I have something truly special, not unless we all push ourselves over the limit and perform at our best and someone surprises me. Is it possible? I don’t know. It’s not up to me. It’s up to them. This machine is slowly starting to become much more than I ever expected. And that’s the feeling that haunts me. To have so much control over my own life and so little at the same time. Is it worth it? To invest so much without a guaranteed outcome? I don’t know. All I know is, I’m not hiding in the basement anymore.